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Daily Deviation
Daily Deviation
May 5, 2013
~beastbookbody compresses a tidal wave of emotion into the brief, nonfiction How to Sleep and Never Wake Up.
Featured by neurotype-on-discord
Literature Text
The year they discovered my best friend, twenty years old and silent under the heap of her wrecked car, I learned one can sleep forever and never wake up.
That year, her sister, only seventeen, ate magic mushrooms and lost her mind and her brother, fourteen, started running and stopped eating and I didn't eat magic mushrooms but lost my mind anyway as everyone watched my skin, too white to be real, disintegrate before their eyes.
That year I flew to Colorado to see an urn surrounded by pointe shoes. It reminded me more of a wastebasket than the last I would see of the girl who shared my soul. Her sister ran naked through the street a few days later after ingesting a certain fungus at her school's homecoming dance. Most say it was the drugs. Maybe, I said. But I knew exactly what it was. Her brother started walking with his feet turned out, a remnant of his ballerina sister instilled in him. I ripped the flesh from my arms, hoping to find her somewhere underneath my fingernails until a doctor gave me medicine and I stopped looking under my skin and started playing the game of how long can I sleep before I wake up.
Her sister ended up in an asylum where they gave her the same medicine they gave me. They say she's doing better. Who is They, I wonder, and what would They say about me if They see that I am not doing as well as her. Her brother keeps amassing cross country trophies, winning solely because he imagines running to her. I continue to play the sleeping game, each nap longer than the last, but I always wake up even though I don't always know where I am.
That year, her sister, only seventeen, ate magic mushrooms and lost her mind and her brother, fourteen, started running and stopped eating and I didn't eat magic mushrooms but lost my mind anyway as everyone watched my skin, too white to be real, disintegrate before their eyes.
That year I flew to Colorado to see an urn surrounded by pointe shoes. It reminded me more of a wastebasket than the last I would see of the girl who shared my soul. Her sister ran naked through the street a few days later after ingesting a certain fungus at her school's homecoming dance. Most say it was the drugs. Maybe, I said. But I knew exactly what it was. Her brother started walking with his feet turned out, a remnant of his ballerina sister instilled in him. I ripped the flesh from my arms, hoping to find her somewhere underneath my fingernails until a doctor gave me medicine and I stopped looking under my skin and started playing the game of how long can I sleep before I wake up.
Her sister ended up in an asylum where they gave her the same medicine they gave me. They say she's doing better. Who is They, I wonder, and what would They say about me if They see that I am not doing as well as her. Her brother keeps amassing cross country trophies, winning solely because he imagines running to her. I continue to play the sleeping game, each nap longer than the last, but I always wake up even though I don't always know where I am.
Literature
Disposophobia
Disposophobia
She had always kept everything. Ticket stubs, receipts, the torn-off edges of notebook paper. Any doodles or scribbled ideas, and any note afforded her by a friend were kept and saved. Not everything received the honor, but particular things from specific events did. She wanted to keep track of each and every thing she had ever done. She did so, on a corkboard encircling her room from floor to ceiling; each day had its spot, and one could trace her life along the wall with the zigzagging strings of yarn that connected each day.
She didn't often invite others into her room, for fear they might displace something, either by
Literature
still,
"i want grandchildren."
that car ride ruined some things
threw a wine bottle at the wall
15 years sitting
it was good enough or
it wasn't good enough
all the silence forced
my pride to jump out the window
if any rested in her
she showed it off like a speech bubble
tied it to her teeth
slammed it in the door
had it under her pillow for months
and years and years and years
there was no statement
there was no outstretched hand
just steering wheel clenching
knuckles white and jaw taut
(all because who i bed was not her mindful of
timeline perfection)
i still think i'm a tumor
--
she shows it off like a speeding ticket
i
Literature
All the Things You Never Knew
It was your favorite thing to say. “We know everything about each other. Not just the good things, but even the bad ones. We have no secrets.” And the way your eyes lit up when you said it, how your arm would curl around my shoulders and squeeze me against you… I couldn’t say anything. I promised myself that I would when we were alone, but the moment always seemed wrong and eventually the fact that I still had secrets became a secret itself.
It turns out I wasn’t the only one.
I never told you about the crying or the cutting or the nights I spent awake staring at the bottle of pills. I was terrified it would b
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Wow, let me just say that I would like to thank all of you who have left notes and comments offering me your support after this little diary entry of mine made it to the DD page. It will be two years since her death on August 26. We are all doing better now, myself included. Perhaps if we had had a better support system back then, I would have never written this.
© 2012 - 2024 beastbookbody
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Thank you for writing this, and posting/publishing it. Although this has never happened to me, I feel empathy. I happened to be playing the song "Skinny Love' by Birdy before I read this and I think it fits really well. I hope things get better, and i know I am just a stranger maybe if you ever need it you can talk to me about it? I probably won't be much help but I can be a good listener... (at least when my internet is working properly)